Impressions. NSU 2019, Estonia.
Queen’s ‘I Want to Break Free’ was playing on the radio as the taxi took me coursing through the night on my way to the rail station, beginning my eastward journey to the 2019 Nordic Summer University. There was a sense of serendipity. I was leaving my home for the past five years, if only temporarily, which provided much comfort but had slowly grown into an almost tomb-like existence.
I needed to break free. That was the message I received, from this song that is as old as me.
I made the happy discovery of the Nordic Summer University through the winter session held by the Narrative and Memory Circle this February in Turku, Finland. The call for paper for the summer session was accommodating, but I still felt uneasy pitching a paper that may be only adjacent to the core theme. I did, in the end, after some scrambling and some grumbling out loud to myself. A month later I was notified of the acceptance of my paper and a few days later the award of a grant that made it possible for me to attend the summer session in Estonia and enjoy all the benefits from participating in this community. There was a moment of disbelief and even dread—the fear of being called out and exposed as not good enough or not ‘academic’ enough. These fears did not go away but they were overlaid with other thoughts, in the end becoming less terrifying and more familiar, like an old stain you just cannot get rid of so learned to live with from now on.
It was very warm the first day and then dreadfully cold the next. But my soul caught up with my body on the second day and I dived into the cultural and intellectual stimulation from morning to dusk and then late night with a few drinks and good company. It is an amazing feat to bring so many people together at a place so relaxing and yet not without challenges we were able to overcome. There was the freedom of moving about as I wished, but also a sense of security knowing that I am surrounded by friends. Thank you to all the people of ARRKOM that made this possible.
There is a line from a TV drama I saw years ago, that ‘reminiscing is all the sweeter with regrets’ (roughly translated). I have some regrets, but who doesn’t? I wished I had fought harder with myself to speak up during the discussions, to approach people and ask them for enlightenment, to take more risks and know that everything will be alright. I was not able to break free after all, perhaps some safety pins I forgot to take out were still holding me together. However, in the end, this weeklong experience did do something—it started something, I just do not know what that is yet. But I will find out.
I am now back at my (still temporary) home in the UK. It is still summer here but without the waves to listen to and jellyfish to nudge with my toes and secretly scream. There is no glittering sea at the horizon and pine trees to look up to. Most important of all, there is no you to share my thoughts and discover new ones together.
I remember the golden red sunset, the fresh scent in the mornings, the sound of laughter from babies to adults, and being hugged by friends, old and new. Cat Power’s version of ‘Sea of Love’ played in my ear several times as I walked to and back from the beach bar. It is a slow melody, luxuriating in the memory of something still happening but soon to be in the past.
May we all find what we are looking for, even if we do not yet know what that is.
